Change is Good

Says it feels right this time,
Turned it 'round and found the right line.  --No Leaf Clover

Sometimes, finding the right words to describe something changes everything.  Understanding.

This happened to me recently.  I found a way to describe my behavior in certain relationships--ones that were not going well--that made everything clear to me.  It also instantly gave me the tools I needed to make those relationships what I wanted them to be... Or rather to see that they were already what I wanted them to be.

What were those magical words?  For me, they were, "You're relating like a roger."
...and I am a clark.

I know.  That doesn't make a lot of sense does it?  A month or so ago, it wouldn't have made any sense to me either, but God brought some people into my life who have created a personality system known as the Wakefield Doctrine (the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers).

I didn't pay any attention the first time I saw it, so God brought it to me a second time, through another route.  He is good.  His ways are mysterious, and He will use anyone or anything to teach us what we need to know.

What those words told me is this:

• I was approaching the relationships emotionally, not practically. 
• I was seeking rules to make them work, instead of going with the flow.  

You see, rogers are herd creatures, but a herd of two does not work.
Being a farm-girl, I have seen this first hand, many times.  One must have at least three horses to have a herd.  Two horses fight--constantly.  It may be very subtly, but there is always tension.  Plus, two horses can not handle there being any distance between them.  They will be grazing side by side, and one will begin to wander away.  The other horse will run to catch up as soon as they notice the distance.  Three or more horses, on the other hand, will graze over a wide area, content to be part of the group.

While it is comical to watch, it is not fun to be a part of.  If you listen to people, rogers are the ones who will talk of their 'circle of friends' and assume that everyone has a 'circle'.

I don't have 'circles'.  I have friends.  Some of my friends know each other.  Some of my friends like each other.  We still don't have a circle.  Neither do we have a pack--that would be scotts.

So, when I approached the friendship like a roger, I acted like a horse (or maybe a jack-ass).  I couldn't stand for there to be any distance, since there was only two of us in my little 'herd'.   I fought to keep up and always be in alignment (agreement) with the other person.

Eww.  Yuck.  I'd have trouble with me too.

And to make matters worse, I had three different friendships/relationships I was approaching this way...
Once I realized what I was doing, I was able to step back and see how my behavior was causing most of the problems I have been striving to solve for the better part of a year.
The problem (the distance I felt) was not in the relationships, but in me.  Things are just fine--in fact some relationships are better than I ever imagined they could be, but I needed a dose of reality to see that.

I am at peace.  The first leg of my journey has been completed.