I have spent two hours so far today,
not writing this post. Waiting.
Waiting for the perfect words.
Waiting for the perfect thoughts.
Waiting to feel just right about it all.
Waiting, waiting, waiting...
But the waiting must end. It is time to move. To do. To be.
A few weeks ago I realized that patience in me was not a virtue. It was a vice. It was a way of avoiding all the things I am unsure of. It was a way of not making decisions. For example, I wouldn't throw out catalogs, because they
might have something in them that someone in my family
might want. They pile up on the counter. They clutter surfaces, because I am waiting. Waiting, to make sure everyone has their chance to look. To want... but I know deep down I will not be ordering anything. No one needs anything those catalogs have to offer. No one wants anything from them. But I am waiting!
And waiting has lead to weight gain.
I am an active person and I eat healthy. My weight had
never been an issue, so, when with working out and regular exercise, I began gaining inches around the waist, I was concerned. I looked for physical reasons, but found none. Still, my waist increased. In a matter of weeks, I gained three inches. Three inches is bad anytime, but it is especially bad when half of the exercises you are doing are aimed at reducing the waist line!
Knowing that the acne I fight with constantly is a result of not speaking my mind, I sought a non-physical reason for the weight gain. It took a few days of working through different ideas, before the right one hit, but it fit: Waiting had resulted in 'weighting'.
When the thought hit, I immediately knew it was right. I am guilty of always waiting. Waiting for the laundry to be done. Waiting for the oven to pre-heat. Waiting for the kids to do their school work. Waiting for someone to write me back. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for the sun to shine. Waiting for the next song on the radio.
It doesn't seem to matter what it is, I can wait for it. And while I wait, I procrastinate. I do nothing of importance. It has disturbed me for sometime, and I have taken steps in the past to cut down on the time I will wait.
I use to always wait for the next big thing. Things that were months away, but when I did that, I always had lists of things I wanted to accomplish before that big thing came, so I was busy. My mind may have been far away, but my hands were active. There was lots to accomplish before that big thing could really be enjoyed.
In the mean time, I enjoyed nothing. And I hated anything that was not planned.
My whole life revolved around some future point in time. A time that may never come. I told myself, "No more of this! Live in the now!" And it has been my goal, for more than a year, to live in the now. It is something I have practiced day in and day out. It has not been easy, and my body tells me I have not been successful.
Before, I was honest with myself about what I was doing. Now, my body reveals that I have been lying to myself. I had turned 'living in the moment' into a method of waiting for every little thing. In so doing, I had lost sight of the big picture. I had no long term goal or purpose. A check list made no sense, as accomplishing it was always dependent on circumstances. I saw each and every item as a something to wait for.
This needs to change, and I have decided to face it head on. When I find myself waiting, identify what I am waiting for, then either do it or do something else that needs to be done, if it is something that I cannot control, like hearing back from someone.
I have only been at this for a few days, and, as you can see from my opening line, am still struggling to make the needed progress. Recognizing when I am waiting is the biggest issue, then, deciding not to procrastinate. It may not seem like much, but in the few days I have been practicing this my waist line had receded one inch.
If you have any tips, I would love to hear them!
