Change is Good

Says it feels right this time,
Turned it 'round and found the right line.  --No Leaf Clover

Sometimes, finding the right words to describe something changes everything.  Understanding.

This happened to me recently.  I found a way to describe my behavior in certain relationships--ones that were not going well--that made everything clear to me.  It also instantly gave me the tools I needed to make those relationships what I wanted them to be... Or rather to see that they were already what I wanted them to be.

What were those magical words?  For me, they were, "You're relating like a roger."
...and I am a clark.

I know.  That doesn't make a lot of sense does it?  A month or so ago, it wouldn't have made any sense to me either, but God brought some people into my life who have created a personality system known as the Wakefield Doctrine (the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers).

I didn't pay any attention the first time I saw it, so God brought it to me a second time, through another route.  He is good.  His ways are mysterious, and He will use anyone or anything to teach us what we need to know.

What those words told me is this:

• I was approaching the relationships emotionally, not practically. 
• I was seeking rules to make them work, instead of going with the flow.  

You see, rogers are herd creatures, but a herd of two does not work.
Being a farm-girl, I have seen this first hand, many times.  One must have at least three horses to have a herd.  Two horses fight--constantly.  It may be very subtly, but there is always tension.  Plus, two horses can not handle there being any distance between them.  They will be grazing side by side, and one will begin to wander away.  The other horse will run to catch up as soon as they notice the distance.  Three or more horses, on the other hand, will graze over a wide area, content to be part of the group.

While it is comical to watch, it is not fun to be a part of.  If you listen to people, rogers are the ones who will talk of their 'circle of friends' and assume that everyone has a 'circle'.

I don't have 'circles'.  I have friends.  Some of my friends know each other.  Some of my friends like each other.  We still don't have a circle.  Neither do we have a pack--that would be scotts.

So, when I approached the friendship like a roger, I acted like a horse (or maybe a jack-ass).  I couldn't stand for there to be any distance, since there was only two of us in my little 'herd'.   I fought to keep up and always be in alignment (agreement) with the other person.

Eww.  Yuck.  I'd have trouble with me too.

And to make matters worse, I had three different friendships/relationships I was approaching this way...
Once I realized what I was doing, I was able to step back and see how my behavior was causing most of the problems I have been striving to solve for the better part of a year.
The problem (the distance I felt) was not in the relationships, but in me.  Things are just fine--in fact some relationships are better than I ever imagined they could be, but I needed a dose of reality to see that.

I am at peace.  The first leg of my journey has been completed.   

Open Hands, Open Heart

How do you forgive, when the hurt is so deep?

Maybe it is silly to be upset by some of the things I am upset about.  Maybe it is foolish, but it seems that every time I trust again, I get hurt again.  I feel so alone in this family.  I feel that my husband only wants 'forgiven' so that I won't bring up the past, thereby, allowing him to do the same things again.

Maybe I am just holding a grudge.
A grudge that shuts people and things out of my life.
Maybe it is because I feel torn apart each and every time certain subjects come up...

But it is not the things that happened that hurt.
I could easily forgive them.
Forgive them and move on.
It is the thing they represent that hurts.
It is the lack of respect they demonstrate that I fear facing again.

It seems that if one doesn't constantly stand up for themselves, they get ran over.  Again and again and again.

I am tired of being yelled at because 'my ideas' didn't work out, when my ideas were never listened to.  When what was done was his interpretation of 'my ideas'.  My ideas were hardly touched.  My ideas were ignored.  And the few times that carrying out my ideas was attempted, it was in an half-ass manner.  One that showed complete disrespect for the finished project, with the excuse always being, "I don't have time!"

Fine.  You don't have time.  Then don't start the project!  Leave things as they are, unless you are going to go to the effort of doing them right!!!  I can't handle half-ass attempts that simply create more work.  There is no need for them, and they are helpful to no one.

Maybe I am unloving... After all, I Corinthians 13 says:

"⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸ Love never fails."

And maybe all I am doing is seeking my own... Or, as my husband accuses, thinking evil.  But maybe, just maybe, I am facing the truth.

Can one point to the truth, without 'thinking evil', especially when the truth is not pleasant?  Can one correct hurts, while bearing all things, believing all things and hoping all things?  Or is the desire to change the hurtful patterns in our marriage unloving?  A lack of enduring all things?

I love that man.  I love him more than I have ever loved anyone.  If I didn't, then the things he does and says wouldn't hurt so much.  I could brush them off.  Ignore them.  Forget them.  Pretend they never happened.  But I want a better life with him.  He means too much to me to continue the way we have been going.

Tell me, what is more loving:  When you find yourself on the wrong road, to keep going or to backtrack?  To continue, hoping against hope that you will end up in a desirable place or correct the course, so that you know you are heading the way you want to go?

I know.  You only have my side of the story, and it is unlikely you will ever get his.  He's not too likely to write about things like this.

"The first one to plead his cause seems right,
Until his neighbor comes and examines him."  -Proverbs 18:17